The most Scottish race on earth
SWIM
CYCLE
RUN
Scotland's unofficial, unorganized triathlon
DRINK
1.5 Miles
Across Loch Ness
50 miles
From Loch to Mountain
10 miles
Up Ben Nevis
50 ml
Of Scotland's finest
ABOUT THE HAGGIS
So you have found out about the Haggis, you amongst a lucky and special few, eager and curious adventurers. So let me tell you more...
The Haggis is unofficially the ultimate and worlds best Scottish triathlon. The race combines the most famous loch in the world and the largest mountain in the UK, linked by a merry cycle ride and a tipple of Scotland’s finest... Whiskey of course. Iron Brew and deep fried mars bars are recommended sports nutrition for the journey but are not strictly part of the rules.
The idea was born in 2013. While my brother was lying in a hospital bed struck down by cancer, I was busy thinking up ingenious ideas of how to combine drinking, sport and adventure, since a hardy northern man had once told me a bit of fresh air can cure anything, and that whisky is the secret to a long and happy life. And so the Haggis was created as a remedy. And one day by the awesome power of just the mere idea of taking on The Haggis, and perhaps also a little hand from modern medicine and the NHS, my brother overcame his illness. Rising from his bed like a triumphant and majestic lion, in answer to the call of the Haggis he spoke, words as powerful as a charging buffalo with fire for blood, and as moving as a video of a kitten playing the keyboard:
“Yes! Show me the lake and I will swim it. Show me the mountain and I will climb it. Show me the whiskey and I will drink it.”
Perhaps I am paraphrasing a little. But anyway we set a date to do the triathlon.
Two years has passed since the fateful formation of this beautiful concept, life having inevitably got in the way of doing important things like throwing yourself in a cold lake. And now that Scotland has decided to stay in the UK it is the time to dive in and celebrate life, before they change their mind. (2015)
Since its conception the amount of alcohol consumed during the race has been reduced considerably, but this doesn’t stop us from making up for that fact after the race. This race is entirely self indulgent so to make ourselves feel less guilty about having such a fantastic time we will be giving some money to cancer support, and hopefully guilt trip a few others into emptying their pockets too. Click the JUST GIVE button. We hope all future intrepid athletes who attempt this accomplished act will similarly give generously.
This is probably the point where I should mention this is not an ‘organised’ event, its the first time this is going to be attempted and it’s not official. But go ahead and treat this website as your definitive guide to doing something awesome this summer. I accept no responsibility for planting this seed in any young adventurers head, who goes off and gets eaten by Nessie after having chugged a bottle of Glen Fiddich. But just so you know what our adventure entails here it is in 10 easy steps:
THE RACE
IN 10 EASY STEPS
How to perform a haggis in ten easy steps:
1). First take one small bottle of single malt Scottish whisky, preferably fairly peaty with a smoky aftertaste
2). Arrive at the shores of Loch Ness. Drink a shot of whisky to warm your cockles. Savour the flavour, take your time, don't rush, the next time you will drink this you will be at the highest (and therefore best) place in the United Kingdom. You will now christen the whisky as “The Haggis”. You must now keep the haggis with you at all times, consider yourself something of a young Frodo bearing the ring, Ben Nevis being mount doom and the highlands of Scotland being Mordor.
3). The haggis bearer now accommodates the Haggis down his or her wetsuit.
4). The party now swims the width of Lock Ness - approximately a stones throw in width (1.5miles). For your crossing I recommend starting on the southern shore opposite Urquhart castle, where, according to a reliable source (Google maps), there is a small beach like clearing. I don’t know if this is legal or not but the castle acts as a good marker and looks pretty. To minimise your chances of losing a good bottle of scotch and/or your life we recommend the appropriate company. i.e a rescue boat (Don’t be silly now. Lilos don’t count, they are neither Nessie proof nor are they particularly easy to get on and off of).
5). Once out of the water get dry and change (really do I have to spell this out for you).
6). Now cycle to Ben Nevis (approximately 50miles).
Remember! Maps are for wimps. The beauty of this journey is that there is only one left turn Follow the A82 from Loch Ness and turn left at the distillery guest house in fort William down Glen Nevis road to Ben Nevis (if you find yourself in Inverness then you went the wrong way down the A82). Having said that, here is a map:
7). On arrival at Ben Nevis, Park your bikes.
8). Climb Ben Nevis.
9). Once at the top, crack open the haggis again and drink to its health.
10). Climb down (optional)
Remember the Haggis IS a race! So the bit I mentioned about not being a rush was a lie. But the race is between teams and NOT between team members, so work together, the haggis must arrive with all the starting team members. Post your times in the comments section. Since no one has ever completed a Haggis we plan to set the world record time! (weather permitting). So consider this a test run for what is soon to be an Olympic sport.
---------------------------------------UPDATE!------------------------------------ Since pen was put to paper, fingers to keyboards and screen to potentially many millions of other screens through the magic of the world wide web, I am pleased to inform you that the inaugural Haggis has been completed in the summer of 2015. Thus a completely unofficial world record has been set and a momentous occasion in history has passed largely unnoticed.
Go to the section on THE INAUGURAL HAGGIS to find out how we intrepid pioneers trail-blazed new horizons of possibility and carved our names into the great storybook of human achievement by completing the most grueling of challenges known to only a select few of humankind. Here you will find pictures of our young and naive faces, wide eyed at the shore of the loch ready to face untold adventures ahead. Faces now forever changed by what we have experienced. Some of this experience we will share with you in the form of tips on how to traverse this transformative task, so you too could make the most of this marvelous mountaineering mission.
----------------------------------ANOTHER UPDATE!--------------------------------
We are now embarking on the Haggis 2018!
THE INAUGURAL HAGGIS
So it has been done!
Here is what we learned:
1) The little google street view drag-n-drop-man turns into a Loch Ness Monster when you are near Loch Ness.
2) You have to pay to get into Urquhart castle. So if you want to turn up soaking wet on their doorstep (or jetty) having just swam across, it is probably best to phone them and buy a ticket before.
--------------------------------------UPDATE!----------------------------------
2B) Careful research in 2018 reveals that there is in fact another exit where you don't have to make a wet fool of yourself traipsing through a tourist attraction. Check out THE MAP for a beach like shore which meets a footpath for a gentile stroll to a place you can have you bikes parked and ready to go. Details of the footpath here. But watch out, this route hack means you have one extra left turn to the bike route! Are you sure you can handle that?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3) The conditions in Loch Ness are changeable, so be ready.
4) There is a nice pub on a boat on the Caledonian Canal called The Eagle (see THE MAP). Worth a stop.
5) Weather is changeable on Ben Nevis
6) It can be cold and wet on top of Ben Nevis even when everywhere else on the planet is sunny and dry. Go to THE MOUNTAIN section and skip all the verbose waffle for the links to elsewhere.
7) Since the race is called the Haggis, you have to have a Haggis with neeps and tatties once you have completed the race. Vegetarian haggis is very much frowned upon but is accepted within the rules. There is a restaurant near Ben's bottom called Glen Nevis Restaurant if you want to treat yourself.
Done The Haggis yourself? Well why not tell us about it and put your time below. Or maybe ask us a question. If you are lucky maybe we will even answer